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Those eyes that were like the soft moonlight I longed for were really staring at me.
Though It wasn't the same ecstatic feeling I had at all. I couldn't breathe. Longing, anger, pain. Unknown emotions were tangled up in a complex way.
I think I'm dreaming right now. It's funny to know that the dream you have right after death is the starting point of all those misfortunes.
Thinking it was a dream, all this felt distant.
At 17, I approached him in the distance and spoke out loud, unaware of the surrounding gaze. I couldn't even notice that he was the Crown Prince as I was drowning in the blissful air that emanated from his whole body.
'May I ask for the gentleman's name—'
“May I ask for the lady's name?”
No, what?
At that moment, the distant surroundings came back to life.
The transparent silver eyes that trampled on my heart so cruelly were swaying right in front of me. Don't tell me I walked to his side again without knowing it?
But the answer was 'no'. My position, my gaze, never changed from before. It was just that the empty space of my point of view was blocked by the towering man.
Was I wanting to be in his gaze even in a dream? It was somehow funny that I was able to get his full attention at least once after I died. Wish come true, something like that.
So then, what did I say next in the past?
'Please let me hear your answer.'
“Please let me hear your answer.”
His silver lake eyes facing me was not the one that used to look away from me coldly. On the day of my debut, I wondered if I looked like this, engulfed in a passionate temperament.
At 17, intoxicated by the first wonderful feeling, I couldn't even notice his cold gaze looking down at me indifferently.
There was no way that I, who just had my first social debut, could have noticed such things in front of love.
'The moment I meet the gentleman's eyes, I am-'
'Could you please get out of the way?'
Seeing that I caused discomfort hearing his cold voice that followed, I instantly rebuked myself.
Still, my young heart was quite hurt. His cold voice is still as vivid as it is ringing in his ear. Even though what happened was only a drop in the ocean compared to the wounds I've suffered from him all my life.
The Emperor who cruelly killed me is now in front of me.
Perfect lines as if hogging all the love God has bestowed, the charisma that overwhelms everything in its surroundings, a dazzling nose like a high cliff, and alluringly moist lips.
Even though it was a dream, he still was a beautiful image. It would be weird that I hadn't lost my mind at a young age.
My body facing him gradually trembled.
Those heartless eyes that pierced me casually, his indifferent voice would take my breath right away, and his pure white skin, which had been covered with my blood, was giving me goosebumps.
At the same time, I was also disgusted that I'm secretly pleased that he was fully looking at me. Even though it's just an illusion that I created.
This guy never let me off the hook and eventually killed me without hesitation, but I still haven't given up on him. Even though I know it's stupid. Why can't I let go of him until my moment of death?
“The moment I meet my lady's eyes, I am—”
My body trembled as he moved one step closer to me. Fear precedes everything else at this moment.
Why did God give me this dream? Is it an opportunity to redeem me of my sufferings?
But I saw cruelty in him. The blood of that time when he cut me down dyes the surroundings like a nightmare. I'm suffocated by his mere breathing.
My God, How can I even go near him?
"Um... My lady......?”
"No... Don't come near me!”
He stretched out his hand, frowning slightly at the sight of my retreat. The sound of taking one step toward me was clearly conveyed throughout my body.
Surprised, I utterly slapped away that hand. The sound of flesh-to-flesh resonated with my voice.
At that moment, his face grew in embarrassment and the banquet hall became quiet. I could feel the people's burning gazes. Everyone is paying attention to me. But there was no time to worry about it.
It is the first time that I have shrugged him off and pushed him away. Furthermore, he came up to me first.
Whatever dream it may be, the warmth of his cold fingertips remained in my hands. No, is this really a dream?
"Ah......”
The crown prince, who was still frozen, closed his opened hand in mid-air. The heat of his gaze fixed on me remained.
I bite my lips. The chill of the frozen banquet hall made me breathless. I still have the giddy sensation of my body cut by his blade, and it's painful just to face him. When will this dream end?
“My lady? Lady......My lady!!”
His urgent voice echoed from behind, but I ignored it as I ran hurriedly away.
I just want to get out of this situation quickly. Because I am so pathetic that I cannot escape from him even after I die. I just want to wake up from this dream quickly.
As I rushed out of the banquet hall, not even thinking of wiping away the tears that were pouring out with all my emotions, I recalled the words I wanted to say at that time.
'At this moment, I immediately realized that there are two suns in this world.'
Although I couldn't say it.
* * *
A dream.
I had a dream.
Was it really a dream?
* * *
'Marry me, please.'
I said it confidently, but I don't know how much I worry over and calm my nerves before I said this. In fact, I knew what kind of reaction he would give, but still, vain anticipation bloomed deep in my heart.
When I was impatient to have him at the end of my past 17 self, I chased him around blindingly.
As soon as I finished speaking, the air between the two of us froze cold. His face, looking down at me without a word, seemed to say 'Why should I?'.
When he didn't answer, my throat felt dry. I was expecting it, but I didn't have the courage to hear his cold rejection. I'm afraid he'll ignore me and just walk past me.
In the end, I couldn't stand it, so I hurriedly opened my mouth and spoke in a hurry. In retrospect, the words conveyed were nothing short of savory. It shows how crazy I am in love.
'I will dedicate the crest of Lacent, one of the main crest of the Scherne family, to your Majesty. I will also give your Majesty the authority over the Scherne family. I will give my everything to you...'
'I'll give you my word.'
I uttered words that promised to give him everything I have, and his voice, which had been silently ignoring me, resounded in my ears.
'Are you serious?'
I was surprised at a moment and could not say anything. Before long, a suffocating bliss covered my whole body. I was delighted with his crude words. Even though he didn't fully accept my proposal, I was hopeful.
'I… I swear to God! I swear on my name and the honor of my family. Calise, I am only for you......'
'Alright.'
'...... Yes?'
'Let's move the date forward as early as possible.'
It was an unmistakable acceptance. So, that would mean that he and I would get married. It was an unexpected result. He will be my groom, and I will be his wife!
'Yo-Your Majesty...'
'News will reach the Scherne family soon. Well, then.'
I was excited that I didn't realize he had accepted my proposal, and that he had turned his back on me right away nor did he bade farewell to me.
At that time, the Crown Prince needed my family's power, overlapping with various political situations, and I was only a political tool and instrument for him.
It wasn't that I didn't know it then, but I only wanted to be with him and I couldn't think of anything more.
I wanted to be able to win his heart someday. Even if it wasn't, I thought it would be nice if I could be his wife and see him every day.
In fact, my proposal was accepted, and we were engaged. Even the marriage was forwarded to a later date. The only thing that changed was the official relationship between the two of us, but the situation only gotten worse.
My heart is getting heavier and his cold eyes turned away from me with disgust.
However, when I didn't know such a future, I just made an exhilarating smile. The excitement I felt of experiencing the youthful love of a 17-year-old girl. Both cheeks dyed a pink hue.
At that moment, the whole world began to dim and distorted, and a completely different me appeared.
Numerous golden trinkets adorning my elaborated head, and luxurious colorful jewels complimented my skin.
'.....Your Majesty, your food will cool down.'
'No, His Majesty is coming. It would be my duty to wait for the Empire's sun and not start before him.'
I was noble and dignified than any other woman in the world, but more lonely and suffering than anyone else.
I heard a voice from the side who was worrying for me. My body started to tremble. I felt miserable as tears attempting to flow down, but I held it in.
Tearing up will make me more miserable. I was afraid that the Emperor might appear to apologize for being late. I don't want to spoil all of this beautiful makeup that I've worked on for hours.
I sat down on a fluffy cushion, and even though I was supported by a colorful dress with several layers, my buttocks were sore and painful.
It has been a long time since the delicious food prepared carefully by the imperial chef cooled down and turned shoddy. And the empty chair on the other side wasn't occupied at all.
I stood up from my seat when the maid said it was time to take a bath and go to bed. Still, I move without dissolving in tears.
It wasn't easy to get up because I sat too long. With the maids' support, I only took one step at a time. The only thing that comes back to me at the end of the day is hope which was so foolish.
In an empty heart that could not be described as bitter, I paused and looked at the imperial garden through a square window in the corridor.
I wonder if the trees swaying in the night breeze will comfort my heart.
The stabbing sensation in my heart was painful. A pain that was trying to squeeze me whole. It became a daily routine and it hurts. It was sad that the pain became dull.
And I was once again sucked into the deep abyss.
'Your Majesty, please. Even once.'
Just look at me once.
'I love you. Calise, I've never stopped thinking of you for a moment.'
At the same time as my body trembled, tears poured out like a waterfall. The voice in my heart broke and withered. I even knelt down on the floor.
'I love you. I love you. Hug me. Look at me please......'
It was a plea and a circumstance.
The second most authoritative being in the Empire after the Emperor, or the most noble woman in the empire. Kneeling in the name of the Empress. I even lowered my head and bend my whole body just to beg, wishing for him to look at me a little because I love him so much.
After five years of marriage, he never gave me warm words. When I proposed that day to marry him, I said everything that caught his attention the most.
The unfulfilled desire emerged that day. I wanted to get his attention like this. Still, I wondered if he would provide me a word of comfort.
Even though he wouldn't whisper words of love, I thought he would give his warm hand at least once, I had such hope.
'...... I'm a mess.'
A false hope.
In an empty heart that could not be described as bitter, I paused and looked at the imperial garden through a square window in the corridor.
I wonder if the trees swaying in the night breeze will comfort my heart.
The stabbing sensation in my heart was painful. A pain that was trying to squeeze me whole. It became a daily routine and it hurts. It was sad that the pain became dull.
And I was once again sucked into the deep abyss.
'Your Majesty, please. Even once.'
Just look at me once.
'I love you. Calise, I've never stopped thinking of you for a moment.'
At the same time as my body trembled, tears poured out like a waterfall. The voice in my heart broke and withered. I even knelt down on the floor.
'I love you. I love you. Hug me. Look at me please......'
It was a plea and a circumstance.
The second most authoritative being in the Empire after the Emperor, or the most noble woman in the empire. Kneeling in the name of the Empress. I even lowered my head and bend my whole body just to beg, wishing for him to look at me a little because I love him so much.
After five years of marriage, he never gave me warm words. When I proposed that day to marry him, I said everything that caught his attention the most.
The unfulfilled desire emerged that day. I wanted to get his attention like this. Still, I wondered if he would provide me a word of comfort.
Even though he wouldn't whisper words of love, I thought he would give his warm hand at least once, I had such hope.
'...... I'm a mess.'
A false hope.
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